Narcissism in Sibling- How to Spot the Signs?
It is astonishing how two siblings of the same family can turn out to be entirely two different personalities. Where one can grow into a narcissist and the other may not have the same path.
We do not believe that siblings can be narcissistic to each other, and the non-narcissistic becomes the victim.
It is all developmental that two people from the same family should end up in different places. Things like birth order, what children mean to their parents, etc play a significant role.
There is some sort of genetic elements to temperaments- some kids are more wound, impulsive, and hypersensitive- these things can potentially be more predictive of narcissism. Or, something goes on in parents' life during one child’s childhood and not in the another. There are a lot of things that could be at a play.
But it happens all the time. In fact, it is one of the most heartbreaking narcissistic relationships people deal with. Because when you are very little, this was your playmate, perhaps, only shared historian. So, the idea that you will be strange to them or not have a relationship with them makes a lot of people angry.
“Do I really have to believe this? This is not fair. I want a cool sibling relationship.” It can actually be a devastating recognition of your sibling. It is more prevalent in the siblings who have age gaps 5 years or closer. Because when you have a huge age gap, it is harder to track siblings as they are into different things than you.
But, five years or less, this kind of narcissistic coldness, entitlement, and lack of empathy- these are seen in the sibling when they were younger. How they played, how they shared, how they talked, how they fought, and how they tried to compete for their parents.
In a few of the therapy sessions, people say that they felt the same while they were small. They would over-pathologize in childhood like they want the person to be their friend but it has always been fraud! These patterns, that siblings have more eyes than on anybody else. But, in adulthood, this relationship can get downright ugly.
I do not think that people are prepared for that!
It's understandable though- because it is your sibling- after all, you have to be together for your family. Also, there would be a time when your parents grow older, issues like trusts, estates, and who gets more money may come up. Mom and dad paid for you to go to high school, they have to spend this much on me.
The narcissistic sibling keeps the score of what parents distributed among the siblings. Their statements topically sound like — “If they gave you this, they should give me this.” They try to find ways to outdo you.
“You think you are taking mom and dad on vacation? I am going to do this. I am going to buy them a house. it is a lot of trying to outplay the sibling. But, it can get dark as the parents get older and there can be a lot of space for fooling around about family finances.
The narcissistic sibling feels more entitled to a bigger proportion of trust, will, or even taking money from the parent while they are still living. However, they are not interested to help take care of them, should they become old or infirm.
It feels unjust, it feels unfair and unbalanced, and a kind of awful! The good news is that it is all manageable, only in case the parents are not super narcissistic, and it is the sibling that’s super narcissistic.
And, now, you struggle to go to the family events because you are trying to avoid the sibling. Many times, parents enable the narcissistic sibling. They use phrases like- “Oh calm down, it's nothing. be nice to your brother or sister” like you are still six.
This can be very challenging and sometimes the sibling has to break away from the entire family system because of the narcissistic sibling. When I say break away, I mean no contact. No calls, no messages, no attending family events.
And that sibling who says “I cannot deal with the narcissistic nonsense anymore. I cannot be the enabler anymore.” They cut off and lose access to their parents. Because the parents will stick back in the narcissistic sibling.
They say “if your brother and sister stuck around, why do you have to cut off and go away. You’re being too sensitive.” The entire family bands together and gaslight the person who says ENOUGH IS ENOUGH. I AM NOT PUTTING UP WITH THIS ANYMORE.”
Just like any other narcissistic relationship, the siblings do the same thing- gaslighting, cruelty, invalidation, and dehumanization, except the infidelity part!
Also, narcissistic sibling tends to triangulate in the family system, putting it two against one. They band with one or both parents and can even sort of gang up. The dynamic you had in your childhood being scapegoated may literally play out all the way into adulthood.
And, in many cases that I have heard or seen, the siblings' only survival came from distancing themselves. Some of them haven’t talked to their parents in 15 years. They have distanced themselves from the parents who were brainwashed and may have taken all the money. It can get really really dark.
Have you had any narcissistic relationships in your life? Do let me know, I have a few suggestions for you to deal with one!
