I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
I feel spent every morning when I wake up. I feel finished with every second passing by.
When I was a kid, I was really conserved and reserved- an introvert that would not let anyone inside the mind. And, as I grew up watching my extrovert sister speaking her heart and having her way through life, I thought of adapting it, but my core wasn’t so- do I couldn’t, no matter how hard I tried.
A person entered my life and taught me to speak my mind regardless of what others might think, and with his constant support and patience, I did so. Yes, I started making my way through the working of the world. Achieved a lot and lost a hell lot, of course. But, it taught me that I have to speak only when it should be spoken. Like a bull left loose, I gave no fuck about people in front and did what I wanted to.
I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
It allowed me to let out my anger and I was furious and irritated every time I got more expressive. Slowly after falling into hundreds of self-digged pits, and getting up, I realized it is not everyone who deserves a piece of my mind. I got to shut myself up. But this freedom of speech really felt like freedom and allowed me so many things. I got to the bottom of the thought planned on changing every day and failing every day on the same.
I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
Then, another person taught me that it is not what I say always but how people would perceive it. That matters a lot. I can say any shit I want to in the world, and it can end up making no sense to the other person. So, what’s the use of speaking and asking for things that make so sense to the person I speak to. Arguing at every one of my thoughts, words, actions, and perceptions, just made me cut off speaking to that person ever.
I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
This was not enough. Of course, at my age, you meet a dizzying number of people who just come to leave you- either in peace or pieces. And, so it happened. The earlier person left me in pieces. The next person who joined me in my life’s journey is a really unique one. The one I never thought of, the one I never would have ever imagined of. Things were so easy and it was so powerful. The so-formed bond had such pulling energy that all I could think and dream about was this person and his goodness.
I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
I learned so many things about myself, the world, their work, and how to be polite to people. And, trust me it takes a whole-ass effort to keep others happy and yourself content with their and your own behavior. It really takes a strong person to get to the bottom of all and behave the world wants to and still maintain the self-image.
I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
The person made me question a billion things and answer millions of them with continuous self-analysis and battles. Things were different. I felt more observant and connected to the person, the things around me, and my people. I was happy to feel so transparent and open. And, as I shut off myself earlier, I made sure to stay so. But, I was not able to, opening now was easier than ever. And, my memory just got so better. I had difficulties remembering things, But, really observing and analyzing things made me really good at remembering things.
But, yes, there is a but always- at least in my life. I was happy and content with the new experience of life. It improved my life- left all bad habits, learned more, and actually felt like moving forward in life. But, you good things do not last forever or even a few more months in my case.
I AM CHANGING DAY BY DAY, SECOND BY SECOND.
I am not the same person anymore. I am a failure at everything. All I can think of is how to die easy and quick. But a good enough experience shows that one willing to end his/her life tends to live, let’s say suffer longer. I genuinely have no complaints from anyone. All I ever wanted was happiness but it’s true that not everyone deserves to be happy.
I am failing at LIFE. I am failing at WORK. All I can do is sit and cry because I am alone, have nobody here for me- in life or at work or anyone. And, whose fault is that? Of course, that’s mine. I have no one else to blame. Whatever happens to me happens because of me. I do not get what I want because it is “me” who does not deserve it. I should really start hoping for as little as nothing.
will be continued…
